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100 Happy Days – Day 48
Looong walk around town today with Rose, just kept turning and making it up as I went along.

Was feeling really great today – relaxed and still thinking about the holidays.  Then it came crashing down when my mom came home and mentioned a job fair at one of the local libraries.  Then about taking me out to get more interview clothes.  Felt like throwing up.

I don’t want to feel like this and I hate that there is nothing I can do about it.  I hate this fear.  I know I need to get another job, but I am so freaking scared and I have no idea what to do about it.  I can’t even really talk about it because my parents just don’t get how I feel.  My best friend, who also has anxiety and understands – or at least will listen without offering solutions or judging – is on vacation so I’m stuck inside my own head.  I don’t even want to think about going to this job fair.  The kind of easy job I’m looking for won’t be there.  I want a nothing job that isn’t super stressful.

God, I feel like crawling into the corner and crying right now but I can’t.  And I know by holding in my feelings I’m going to come across as being in a bad mood.  It sucks how one little thing can just bring down the whole day.  I HATE this but I don’t know how to fix it.  My mom keeps telling me “Just go out there and it’ll get easier”  Yeah, great advice when just the thought of it paralyzes me and makes me want to vomit.  She says she understands how I feel because she has a fear of heights.  Well with a fear of heights there is a tangible thing that you can expose yourself to… but me.. there is no tangible thing.  It is my own head… how do you desensitize yourself to your own thoughts?