Scared

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I am scared out of my mind to find a new job.  I could understand being nervous, but I am so scared I feel like I want to throw up every time the phone rings.  I don’t want them to call.  My unemployment benefits are running out so I know I need to find something.

I don’t think I could every work retail – I need to have a consistent schedule.  But even for anything I am just so scared.  I have never really had a great place to work, so I don’t even really have any positive associations with the workplace.  I don’t want to go back into that kind of environment.

I don’t know what to do about it.  I know my parents wouldn’t understand.  I just keep bottling it up.  It’s like it is looming over me so I sometimes I even have trouble enjoying days.  The other night I actually cried myself to sleep.

I hate this!

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Anxiety attack

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I got an email tonight (that I had obviously received at some point this afternoon) about an interview for a place I applied for this morning .  I didn’t particular want the job (but I have to apply).  And I saw the address in the footer of the email was right by where I used to work.  Felt like I was going to throw up.  I can’t do it.  Not there.  I’m not telling anyone because yeah I probably should do it, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.  Totally scared and no prep time.
I have it here because I need to get it out of my own head.  I know this is wrong, yet I cannot bring myself to go through with it.

Does this make me a bad person?  Why can’t things just go according to the plan in my head just once?

2015

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There’ll probably be a lot of drunken “woo hoos” for New Years. New Years for me tends to be a bit more thoughtful and introspective. Here are my thoughts that I’ll probably cry over and be embarrassed by later.

2014 was not exactly the best year for me – lots of unexpected changes (and changes are not exactly my forte) Deep down I want 2015 to be better, but I’m a bit afraid to hope. I don’t want to be disappointed. I often times find myself hoping for (I guess) too much. Maybe I expect too much. I don’t know.
I want to not worry all the time. I want to stop being scared. I want to look to the future and hope.

2015 is coming whether I’m ready or not – hopefully I’ll survive. (maybe even flourish)

Too much going on

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Christmas has come and gone.  My brother has gone home.  Should be calmer now, right?  Nope.

Took my dog to the vet yesterday for xrays.  That was stressfull enough with the sedation and her being gone all day.  So if she doesn’t stop limping surgery is the next step – $3500.  Sigh.

I have about a month left of unemployment.  I’d love to just ease my way back in with a part time job and work up.  Feeling a bit bleh cuz found out the lady across the street who was out of work just got a job at the local grocery store.  I need something with regular hours.

And we’re looking for a new dog.  Of course before xmas when my brother was here I saw several.  Now that the time is right, there’s nothing. 😦

Just feeling overwhelmed by the world. I know other people have it a lot worse and are happy.  I don’t know why I’m not.  Looking back on the year it has been a massive roller coaster.  I’m really glad it’s over but had some really great times.  I’d love to get a bit of a break and an easy new start.

Merry Christmas??

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I am really resenting my brother being here.  He is a slob and has no regard for living with other people.  It is christmas morning and he’s sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop playing a game.  While my dad is making breakfast. (In my spot – but that’s another issue)  I can understand maybe checking facebook or something but come on.  And he got all pissy with me when I asked him to clean up his stuff in the living room – “Why?”  It’s Christmas and everythign should look nice.
Only a couple more days, but I hate that he’s kind of ruining the good time for me.  I know I shouldn’t let him.

Hope it turns out better and Merry Christmas everyone

Stress!!!!

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There have been a lot of almost tears the past couple of days.  I have not felt like this for months.  I do not want my brother here.  My mom can escape to her sitting room upstairs, and my dad loves it.

I am discovering that my brother is a total slob (he’s sleeping in the living room – not folding clothes, not even pulling the covers up when he gets up in the morning) and kind of rude (just sits at his laptop with his headphones on)  He’s also been making comments that when I called him on it he says is funny.  No.. they’re mean.  MAYBE they’re funny the first time, but after more than two days of repeating, it’s not funny. (And in the past he has gotten VERY nasty when someone dares to repeat something to him)

On top of that I have another vet appointment for Rose on monday – she is still limping.

This was supposed to be a relaxing great christmas and it basically sucks.  I am basically just getting through each day and not really enjoying the season.  At times (like now) I just feel like crying.  I hate feeling like this.  I hate that my holiday is not fun.  And there’s nothing I can really do about it.

Bad timing

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My brother is being discharged tomorrow.  He’s coming here.  Meh.

The other day I went to Petsmart and looked at their adoptable dogs.  I saw a really cute puppy.  She’s still there.  But I don’t know  how to approach my mom.  It seems like I can’t bring up anything but my brother.  It’s really bad timing with all the crap going on but I feel like I don’t want anyone else to have her.  I know she’ll be gone soon – especially by this weekend.

Just feeling a bit left out.  It’s not like my brother is in a coma or unable to care for himself.  My mom even said that he’d be making his own meals while he’s here.  On saturday he’s going out with friends and on monday he’s going to the movies with my dad.   Why does he have to be here????  I’ve been looking for a dog for a long time and now I’m going to miss out on the one I want because I can’t even talk to anyone.  I feel like crying.

It’s Christmastime and I’m supposed to be happy, right?

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A lot has been happening and I really need to vent.  There is no one I can talk to without sounding like the bad guy.

My brother is in rehab after his back surgery.  And my mom keeps going on about him coming to our house after they discharge him.  I see no reason why he can’t go to his apartment.  I don’t want him coming here and I feel bad that I feel this way, but I do.   Since I don’t have to deal with my stressful job, this year was supposed to be a great and relaxing christmas.  So much for that.  I want it to be like normal, I dont want things disrupted.  When my mom asked him tonight if he wanted to stay at our place, he said that would probably be easier.  I felt like getting up and walking away (instead I kind of just stared straight ahead as my stomach jumped into my throat)  It’s not that I don’t like my brother, I do.  But I just don’t see why he can’t go home when he’s discharged.

We went to see Elf the Musical today.  It was nice.  I wish I could still have that childhood magic of Christmas.  As an adult you can have fun and kind of make it happen, but that pure excitement and glee just isnt there.

On the way home we visited my brother and that is where the bomb about him staying with us dropped.  It just feels like my perfect relaxing holiday is being lost bit by bit.  I honestly felt like crying on the way home in the car.  Then I felt like there was something wrong with me because I don’t want my brother at home and that I should have been feeling all christmassy and merry.

I just needed to get all of this out because as I said, if I mentioned it, I’d be called selfish and inconsiderate etc for not wanting to have him here.

Sigh… so much for a stress free holiday

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Last thursday my brother went to the ER.  He’d been having back pain for months and now the disk had finally herniated.  He wound up having emergency surgery on thursday night.  I visited thursday and friday.  I haven’t been saturday, sunday or today.  Dunno why?  I feel uncomfortable being there and a bit guilty for not going.  Today he is being transferred to the rehab unit.  Perhaps when he’s there.

I don’t know why I don’t want to go.  Grrrrr.  My parents leave the house so quickly and are gone for hours, I’d visit, but I don’t want to be at the hospital for 4 hours.  Sigh.  I will go. I know I will.  Just had to vent some feelings.

Anxiety and Confusion

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My mom finally understands.  She is giving me no pressure to find a job right now.  She is agreeing with me to keep unemployment until it runs out and then look in earnest – and get a part time job.

This is also a good thing because we had a bit of an issue with my dog this weekend.  She was limping and of course my mind got the best of me and I was thinking the worst.  Turns out it is fixable – she has a stretched or torn ligament and we have to keep her quiet for two weeks to see if it improves.  If it doesn’t then we get xrays done and possible surgery.  (my mom has even said she’d help with the costs if necessary)  Anyway, this weekend truly showed that I need to get a second dog.  I truly could not handle if something happened having to come home to an empty house. (Even just thinking about it is making me almost cry now)  When I got Rose, we had a family dog that was much older and she wound up passing away a couple of months after we got Rose.  It was very sad and I cried alot, but when we got home, there was Rose.   So my mom has said that it is a priority to find another dog before I go back to work. (we’re looking to rescue a youngish dog)

So of course today I get an email from a guy I used to work with (previous job to the one I got fired from – I had emailed him about a reference since I didn’t trust the people I had most recently worked with)  He asked if I was still looking for work because he had heard about a job available near me.  I asked him to email me the details.  Problem – I don’t want it.  I truly want to just enjoy the holidays.  I hate it.  He is doing me a favor and I do not want this job.  It seems just when I have a plan laid out, it changes.