Sigh…

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Feeling a bit meh lately.  It’s gotten to the point where, yes, I NEED a job.  But I am so afraid of feeling the way I did before – feeling sick when I went to bed dreading the next morning.  Sitting all day at work wanting to cry because I was so miserable.  I find myself scared when I see a voicemail on my phone.
I am afraid to call a place back, but I am also afraid that something I am comfortable with will never come along.
There were a few positions that I feel like would have fit me well, but I never got a call after the interview.  So I don’t know what I did wrong.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired, I don’t know.  Just would like to get a job that doesn’t make me miserable.
Tired of being scared of everything. Just feel like such a loser.

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Too much!!

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It’s been a while.  Still no job.  😦   I’ve gotten no responses on most of my resumes.  Now this week, I got a call about a part time job.  Was too anxious to call back, now I have to call back tomorrow and I feel bad for not calling back.  I have a phone interview on wednesday, bit scared.  I replied to an email about a job (looks like it’d just be me and the owner). And I got a call from a temp agency about a temp to perm position (but I’m afraid that’s accounting based)   AND on top of all of this I am house/pet sitting for my aunt next week.  Too much all at once.

Just so nervous and scared.  Too much to take in, too much to worry about.  And I like staying at home.

Oh and finally, I am renewing my season ticket for the Red Bulls soccer team and for some reason mine went thought as a monthly payment.  I asked my brother and he has an option to pay all at once or do monthly.  While  yeah the monthly works better now, I am a bit kind of weirded out because I will be paying interest.

Update

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I haven’t written a post in quite a while, so figured I’d come on.  I’ve had a couple of interviews – so far nothing.  I am going to need something soon – god I hope it isn’t retail.  One of the places I interviewed for would have been pretty cool – 10am-4pm with full time benefits.  And nothing major – picking items and packing boxes for shipping. And 10 min from my house. Not my ideal job, but good for now. Still waiting on the rejection for that one.
My big fear is that places will contact my old job and find out I’m not exactly telling the truth about what happened.  My story is that they reorganized and I was let go – instead of me messing up and getting fired.  Sigh…

My parents are going to be away next week.  Feeling like I need a little “vacation” too.  Might forget the alarm clock and get up a bit later each day.  Just relax a bit.  Instead of getting up at 6.20am every morning and job hunting, then dealing with mom asking if I have any interviews or job offers.  I feel like saying “you’d know, you don’t have to ask”  Sigh…  I just feel like I’m dissappointing her.
I just need a break

Crashing down?

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Yesterday was one of the best day’s I’ve had in a while.  Went to Gettysburg.  That place is something special to me… there is just something in the air.

It all came crashing down when I got home.  Letter from Unemployment about an appeal.  I was under the impression that since they didn’t appear for the last appeal that it was over – that they couldn’t do anything more.  I had a major anxiety attack – hyperventilating, crying etc.

I have to wait until monday to contact my uncle (the lawyer who helped me with the original appeal) to see what is going on.  Of course the letter has no phone number on it.

I really wish I could do something about this anxiety – but my stupid ACA insurance needs a primary care doctor and I am almost phobic about doctors.  I don’t like people touching me. I would really like to speak to a counsellor or therapist or something, but I cant.

Feeling really sick and I’m trying to be positive that this is a mistake, but I’m afraid to hope because then it’ll all come crashing down.

Disappointment?

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Still looking.  The interview I had a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t heard anything about.  Not even a “Thank you for coming, but we’ve chosen another candidate”.  Sigh.  My mom keeps asking me about it.  When she asks, I feel like I’m a disappointment to her.  She always seems to bring this stuff up when I’m having a good day.
Tonight, I’m feeling great, working on a craft project and she asks me out of the blue “Do you have any income coming in?”  I said no.  (as my stomach turned over and my heart dropped)  Makes me feel like I should have persued more unemployment, but that makes me think of my last job and how it all ended and it makes me feel sick.
I don’t ever want to deal with that ever again.  I hated the way that place made me feel, I hated the way it ended, and I hate that it still affects me.

I know I should have called for possible extension of my benefits but I was scared.  I am really tired of being scared and I hate that my stupid ACA benefits is an HMO plan that I can’t just go to a counselor without having to have a primary care doctor.

Just feel like crawling under a blanket and shutting out the world.  I wish I was a kid again and didn’t have to deal with the big bad world.

I hate change

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The interview yesterday seemed to go okay.  I know it would be a decent position (much less stress than I had)  I’m just massively overthinking the hours.  It’ll be hard to keep in contact with my best friend in Scotland (we usually chat each late afternoon and by the time I get home it’ll be after 10 her time) and on fridays I’ve gotten in the habit of going to the movies to celebrate the end of the week (it’s my relaxing ‘just me’ time) and I won’t be able to go because I’ll get out too late except for the late movie times.
I was hoping for an hour lunch so I could come home and visit the fuzzies and maybe even chat to my friend for a bit, but it’s only a half hour.

I know these feelings are stupid – that there are ways to make it work, but it scares me.  I like schedules and I like things to be the way they were.

Fear

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I am sitting here trying to gear myself up to call back a place I had applied to.  I got an email yesterday about a possible interview.  Logically it would be a good place – pretty close to home that (depending on time, I might be able to come home for lunch) and the job doesn’t look that stressful – it is for a receptionist.

I am scared.  I like being at home.  I feel like I’d miss things that happen with the dogs and cat.

I know I have to do it.  I feel like I am disappointing my mom.  She comes in each morning “any offers yet?” and when I’ve said no, she sighs.  Yesterday she asked how long I could be okay with my savings. I know I am disappointing her.  And yes I know I need a job.

The last interview I went on, I was so relieved when I didn’t get it.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

Interview

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I am wishing I hadn’t answered the call.  Got an interview on monday.
I thought it was the vet calling about Rose’s surgery today (she tore her ACL and is getting surgery)

So nervous – feel like crying and/or throwing up.  I like being home.  I like being with the dogs and sewing.  Ahhhhhh.   I know I’m supposed to want a job and to be all successful and stuff.  But I don’t.  😦

Well this sunday is going to really suck. 😦

Overwhelmed

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I am really lost and I don’t know if it can be fixed.

I should be happy – we found a new dog, but I am not connecting.  I keep feeling bad for Rose (our older dog) and Percival (our cat) I feel like I made a huge mistake. But I don’t want to take him back because that could hurt him.

My unemployment has ended.  I still need to find a job.  I am massively scared.  Now I feel like I don’t want to leave Rose and Percival.

My mom isn’t helping matters.  Tonight she was going on about “oh maybe you’ll have to get two part time jobs” etc.  Makes me want to scream and burst out into tears.  I just feel like shutting down sometimes.

I wish I never had to get a job.  I’d love to talk to someone about it, but with the stupid insurance I picked through the ACA I need to have a primary care doctor, but I am scared to go to a doctor (I don’t want a stranger touching me)

I seem to be okay if I keep my head occupied, but if I even think about a job I just feel nauseaus and like I want to cry.

I honestly don’t know what to do and there’s no one I can really talk to about it.

Touch of Meloncholy

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Sigh… Feeling kind of sad lately.  I know I shouldn’t.  I have a great family – a nice house… I just applied for a new dog.  But today I just felt like crying all day.  My unemployment is up next week.  I do have savings, but still…    I wish I never had to work again.

I want to do something with my life, but I have no idea what.  I find myself wishing I were younger so this indecision and confusion wouldn’t be so “wrong”.  It seems like people my age and younger are getting on with their lives (careers, families, etc) and I’m still sitting here not knowing what to do.

I just feel lost all the time.  I feel like I have to put on a smile and laugh and be happy because no one wants to see the real me… the confused, terrified person that I am inside.